Washingtonil Samarasam (Peace efforts in Washington) - 2 of 2

 

Continued from part 1.

The filming is paused to let the president recover. The priests from the temple suggest that puliyodharai may be more palatable if the president alternated eating it with dadhiyonnam, the traditional dish of rice mixed with yogurt. The table is set with a different packet of puliyodharai (with the chili peppers removed), dadhiyonnam, and a whole set of extinguishers, liquid and solid. The cameras start rolling and the president finishes the challenge, overcoming teary eyes and a few more challenges. Editors start marking segments for beeping out his comments as he eats. 

Trump’s popularity surges in the Iyengar circles. Well, not all Iyengars. Rangarajan Narasimhan, who originally proposed the puliyodharai challenge doesn’t regard the use of dadhiyonnam to moderate the spices to be legitimate. That disqualifies Trump from mediating in the dispute, in his opinion. He files a writ petition in the high court. He’s tentatively assigned a hearing in the year 2042.

Puliyodharai becomes a rage among the American public. Someone from California files a patent application for the formula, with the name ‘Cali-yodharai”.

The original packet of puliyodharai that caused the president trouble gets sent for lab tests. 

The first lady, Melania Trump is to arrive the next day. Usha Vance and Durga Stalin go to receive her at the airport. The cameras roll as Executive One Foxtrot arrives in the Chennai airport. Not ones to risk their reputations for anyone, the baggage handlers in the airport place the first lady’s bags in the loading trolly of the Singapore Airlines flight. The foreign secretary gets involved to avoid this becoming a diplomatic incident. The first lady is eventually reunited with her luggage.

There is considerable buzz among the Iyengar women on the saree Melania Trump would be wearing on arrival. Several underground betting houses start taking bets on what colour her saree would be.

When the cameras sight the first lady, there are some audible murmurs. She emerges in a formal suit. People have naturally assumed that Melaina Trump would arrive in the traditional Iyengar attire. When this expectation doesn’t materialize, the Iyengar community raises a collective eyebrow. Trump’s popularity rating drops instantly. 

In the next, in an unrelated public engagement, the first lady wears a saree, but still not in the Iyengar “madisar” style. The hashtag #NoMadisarNoMediation starts treding. The popularity rating drops further.

“Neeya Naana” Gopinath hosts a special episode with Iyengar women on whether or not the madisar should be mandatory for visiting dignitaries.

The prime minister is concerned at this development, and wants to get Melania some help with her attire. He calls Nirmala Sitharaman, and a simply cites a Thirukkural, “உடுக்கை இழந்தவன் கைபோல ஆங்கே இடுக்கண் களைவதாம் நட்பு.”, (Translation: A friend instantly rushes to one’s help as one’s hand rushes to catch one’s slipping clothes). Nirmala doesn’t quite know what language he is speaking. After a few interventions, translations and transliterations by his assistant, she realizes that it's Tamil, and she is being asked to help with the first lady's predicament. She clarifies that she doesn’t wear the Iyengars’ traditional attire. The saree is draped the other way in her community. She would need an Iyengar lady to help. She places a special SOS call to her friend, Hemamalini, the film actress. Hemamalini orders a few readymade sarees in the right style.

Trump sets off another controversy with an unforeseen, angry post in Truth Social, suggesting that Usha Vance had ulterior motives in not finding the right clothes for Melania. Wasn't she also the one who made the unrealialistic, mild version of puliyodharai to help him prepare, the president asks rhetorically - although he doesn't know what rhetorically means. The post is in the middle of the afternoon in the local time, as he’s jet lagged.  Usha Vance makes no public comment, but abruptly departs to Washington D.C.

Meanwhile, the lab test results are back from the U.S. The report suggests that there was a mystery object - hard, smooth, with a strong smell - in the food offered to the president. The lab defers to the FBI nulear lab to determine if there was any radiation. Luckily, before things escalate, Srivatsan Lakshminarasimhan, a computer programmer with the FBI smells the object and identifies that it is a lump of perungayam - asafoetida, a spice used in Indian cooking.

Another diplomatic incident averted, filming resumes for the reality show. The two Iyengars, simply identified as Satagopan and Aravamudan, seem cold towards each other, but are very nice to the president. The president, for his part, seems quite taken with them. He is seen chatting with one or both of them in any break he gets.

The reality show already has the highest viewership of any show worldwide. It appears likely that there are indeed billions of Iyengars worldwide. In the first episode, the debate is whether the temple elephant should wear a Vadalakai namam or Thenkalai namam. Trump learns the difference between the namams, letting the audience discover the difference along with him. He tries to solve the problem by reconciling the two styles to create a common one. He removes the foot of the Thenkalai thiruman and modifies the srichurnam to look like the red MAGA tie,. He calls Mike, a senior member of the American entourage, finds a pen and illustrates his idea by drawing his proposed design on Mike's forehead. There is a brief disruption in filming when the crew realizes that the pen was Sharpie, a permanent marker. Mike gets whisked away from the scene.

When filming resumes, Trump proposes his new design as the common symbol for the elephant and both the sects to wear. He offers to sign an executive order to cancel the tariffs on puliyodharai and dadhiyonnam imports into the U.S. The Iyengars politely decline the offer. The president gets quite attached the the elephant during the process. He sends Hagseth back to America to design a process to start manufacturing elephants in America.

Subsequent episodes delve into the details of the two sects, markata nyaya and marjara nyaya, the teachings of Sri Ramanuja, Manavala Mamunigal and Vedanta Desika. Trump looks initially overwhelmed, but seems to be fascinated by the religious ideas as time goes.

Meanwhile a few worrying messages from Washington come in. It seems like the second lady and the vice president had taken the president’s tweet as a personal insult and started impeachment proceedings to get him removed from his job. There seems to be reasonable support among the republicans and strong support for the democrats for the idea. Mike, the victim of the Sharpie episode, is said to be coordinating the efforts.

Trump seems serenely unaffected by all this, and proposes that they cover as many Srivaishnava Stalams as possible in the show. The show seems to be a major hit in terms of viewership but the two sects seem to be no closer to peace than they were when the show started.

Shankar, worried about security, proposes to wrap up the show as scheduled regardless of the outcomes of the negotiation. The president seems unwilling, but the rest of his team is eager to head back to Washington to deal with the impeachment threat.

The filming wraps up. On the last evening, there is a formal dinner for the film crew, the prime minister and the U.S Embassy staff. Trump is back in his formal suit and tie. Someone asks him if he’s worried about the upcoming impeachment proceedings.

“If there is one thing that I learned from my friends Satagopan and Aravamudan, it’s the concept of Sharanagati. Nothing is in our hands. (Pointing upwards): He knows how to take care of us. I'm ambivalent on whether it's markata nyaya or marjara nyaya. We should do our duty, without worrying about the results, bouquets, or brickbats. I’ll do my job. The rest is up to Him!”

The American entourage stares at him, with dropped jaws. 

Everyone notices that the white shirt showing through the front of his suit and the red tie resemble the Vaishnavite thiruman. The observation leaves most people in a meditative trance. Except the two Iyengars, Satagopan and Aravamudan, who start debating if it looks like a Vadakalai thiruman or Thenkalai thiruman!

THE END

Picture credit: Grok.

Washingtonil Samarasam (Peace efforts in Washington) - 1 of 2

 

The President of the United States is in agony. The Iran-Israel peace may not hold. His efforts with Palestine, Ukraine, Russia, India or Pakistan don't seem to be leading to the Nobel peace prize. Where is justice? What’s a guy to do when there are no more wars to stop?

He vents on social media, badmouthing immigrants, Canada and the Biden family. It doesn’t prove as cathartic as he had hoped.

Luckily for him, a white house staffer called Rangarajan comes up with a suggestion. There are these people called Iyengars in India. They have two sects - vadakalai and thenkalai - that've been fighting for years. Could the president broker a peace deal between them? Iyengars are in prominent positions worldwide. They can put in a word with the Nobel committee, surely? 

Trump calls the knowledgeable folks in his inner circle. No one is sure exactly how many Iyengers there are, but they think the count runs into millions. Their advice was something like this: “We can always claim there are billions of Iyengars. Who will know? How could the Iyengars resist the offer of mediation from the best president the world has ever seen? Even Obama could find some people to listen to him. He ended up getting a nobel prize. Come on. This should be like shooting fish in a barrel!” 

He tweets at 2 AM the next morning.

The GREAT PEOPLE of the Iyengar community have their disagreements. People call me, asking to meditate. I may do it, I may not do it. NO ONE is sure what I will do.

It’s a shame that sleepy Biden was unable to help this big, beautiful culture achieve peace. 

The news spreads like wildfire. The next morning Trump receives a call from someone from The Apperentice production team. Could Trump make it a reality show? That should make good TV.

This suggestion gets widely debated on Truth Social. Many Indians are flattered. They believe it was a sign that India had arrived on the global scene. Incidentally, they’d said the same thing when Usha Vance, Kamala Harris and Vivek Ramaswamy rose to prominence.

The White House receives a call from someone called S Shankar, who claims to be a prominent movie director in India. He offers to direct the reality show. He says Trump’s previous shows were not opulent enough to reflect the President’s greatness. What you want is for the mediation sessions to happen in front of Taj Mahal, the Eiffel Tower and the great wall of China, with thousands of girls dancing with large visual cues. This idea is met with an enthusiastic assent from the white house. Could Shankar arrange to paint these landmarks in gold? Shankar sounds uncertain, but promises to check. The president, initially reluctant to engage Shankar, learns that the latter has made a movie about a man who becomes the ruler of a state, beats up bad guys, fires employees, handles corruption, reforms sales tax and assassinates his opponent. All by himself! While taking to time to prance around with a young girl! Duly impressed, he gives Shankar the go ahead.

The next few weeks happen in fast-forward. Shankar makes a trip to America. Trump sends Vance and Usha to select locations. Trump suggests buying all those landmarks to build theme parks around them, but gets convinced that the motives could get misinterpreted.

Shankar travels to all the Jeeyar mutts and Andavan Ashrams - the hermitages of spiritual leaders of the Iyengar people. The leaders refuse to be directly involved unless Trump agrees to a Baranyasam, an oath of complete surrender to God, Shankar believes this to be a non-starter, and settles for two senior Iyengers, one each from Vadakalai and Thenkalai as the representatives to talk to Trump.

Stalin, the chief minister of Tamil Nadu, suggests his representatives - specifically Durai Murugan and Sekar Babu -  be the representatives instead of the two Iyengars. The American team declines the offer.

Kamal Hassan starts haunting Shankar’s doorsteps, for him to be included as the reality show host. He could dress up as a woman if it appeals to the president. He gets gently told that the president wants to be the anchor as well as peacemaker. Kamal points out that he wouldn’t mind getting formally initiated into the Vaishanava doctrine via a five-step Samasranam, but that doesn’t budge Shankar.

A social media star by name Rangarajan Narasimhan points out that the scriptures say that an outsider only acquires the right to mediate when he finishes a packet of puliyodharai, the spicy trademark food of Iyengars. He tweets to the effect that  it has to be from the madappally (kitchen) of the Srirangam temple. 

While the rest of the world is debating the merits of the idea, someone tags the president, who replies via Truth Social that no one can eat puliyodharai like him. Obama, although he was almost born in Kenya, can't eat spicy food. Nor can the crooked Hillary Clinton.

The second lady makes some puliyodharai using the MTR food mix for the president to taste. Marco Rubio and Karoline Leavitte try to outdo each other in inventing superlatives in praising the dish, and describing  how she could be nominated for the Nobel prize for cooking. CNN and Fox news spend a few days debating if there is such a thing as the Nobel Prize for cooking.

The day arrives. Shankar sets up a huge set in front of Srirangam Rajagopuram. The prime minister of India arrives, hugs the president and wishes him well. He recommends that the president strike the Vrischikasana, the scorpian yoga pose, as a way to prepare for the challenge. The suggestion is politely declined.

Kamal Hassan and Udhayanidhi Stalin manage to get invited to be in the front rows. When the president hears the latter’s name, his eyes widen in admiration. He shakes Udhay-na’s hand, compliments him on his youthful looks, and asks how he managed to immigrate to India. He gets quickly whisked away. Luckily for Shankar, this happens before the live show begins. Kamal describes to everyone in the earshot, one at a time, how he isn’t jealous that his younger brother got all the attention.

The time arrives. The filming starts. The president is dressed in an attire that would have put Justin Treaudu to shame. The camera pans the crowd, catches the faces, pans through the crows sitting on the wire with an anxious expression and then finally settles on Trump.

Then everything goes wrong. The president eats the puliyodharai, gets all teary and starts coughing. 'This didn't taste anything like what Usha made!' Pete Hegseth wags his fingers at his hosts. He points out how the open packet seems to contain an unusual number of chilli peppers. He accuses Iyengars of trying to assassinate the president. Fortunately, someone with a better presence of mind snatches a can of coke from a teenager and helps the president get the fiery food down his throat. 

Click here for Part 2

Picture credit: Grok.