Trump is in agony. The Iran-Israel peace may not hold. He’s ordered bombing Iran, but the ungrateful press is debating if the mission succeeded.. Russia can’t be persuaded to give up the fight over Ukraine. India denies that he had anything to do with the ceasefire with Pakistan. His chances for a Nobel peace prize don’t look too bright. Where is justice? What’a guy to do when there are no more wars to stop?
He vents on social media, badmouthing the immigrants, Canada and the Biden family. It doesn’t prove as cathartic as he had hoped.
Luckily for him, a white house staffer called Rangarajan comes up with a suggestion. There are these people called Iyengars in India. They have two sects - vadakalai and thenkalai - that have been fighting for years. Could the president broker a peace deal between them? Iyengars are in prominent positions worldwide. They can put in a word with the Nobel committee, surely?
Trump calls the knowledgeable folks in his inner circle. No one is sure exactly how many Iyengers there are, but they think the count runs into millions. Their attitude went like this: “We can always claim there are billions of Iyengars. Who will know? How could the Iyengars resist the offer of mediation from the best president the world has ever seen? Even Obama could find some people to listen to him. He ended up getting a nobel prize. Come on. This should be like shooting fish in a barrel!”
He tweets at 2 AM the next morning.
The GREAT PEOPLE of the Iyengar community have their disagreements. People call me, asking to meditate. I might do it, I might not do it. NO ONE is sure what I will do.
It’s a shame that sleepy Biden was unable to help this big, beautiful culture achieve peace.
The news spreads like wildfire. The next morning Trump receives a call from someone from The Apperentice production team. Could Trump make it a reality show? That should make good TV.
This suggestion gets widely debated on Truth Social. Many Indians are flattered. They believe it was a sign that India had arrived on the global scene. Incidentally, they’d said the same thing when Usha Vance, Kamala Harris and Vivek Ramaswamy rose to prominence.
The White House receives a call from someone called S Shankar, who claims to be a prominent movie director in India. He offers to direct the reality show. He says Trump’s previous shows were not opulent enough to reflect the President’s greatness. What you want is for the mediation sessions to happen in front of Taj Mahal, the Eiffel Tower and the great wall of China, with thousands of girls dancing with large visual cues. This idea is met with an enthusiastic assent from the white house. Could Shankar arrange to paint these landmarks in gold? Shankar sounds uncertain, but promises to check.
The next few weeks happen in fast-forward. Shankar makes a trip to America. Trump sends Vance and Usha to select locations. Trump suggests buying all those landmarks to build theme parks around them, but gets convinced that the motives could get misinterpreted.
Shankar travels to all the Jeeyar mutts and Andavan Ashrams - the hermitages of spiritual leaders of the Iyengar people. The leaders refuse to be directly involved unless Trump agrees to a Baranyasam, an oath of complete surrender to God, Shankar believes this to be non-starter, and settles for two senior Iyengers, one each from Vadakalai and Thenkalai as the representatives to talk to Trump.
Stalin, the chief minister of Tamil Nadu, suggests his representatives - specifically Durai Murugan and Sekar Babu - be the representatives instead of the two Iyengars. The American team declines the offer.
Kamal Hassan starts haunting Shankar’s doorsteps, for him to be included as the reality show host. He could dress up as a woman if it appeals to the president. He gets gently told that the president wants to be the anchor as well as peacemaker. Kamal points out that he wouldn’t mind swearing the oath of Bharanyasam, but that doesn’t budge Shankar.
A social media star by name Ranganathan Narasimhan points out that the scriptures say that an outsider only acquires the right to mediate when he finishes a packet of puliyodharai, the spicy trademark food of Iyengars. He tweets to the effect that it has to be from the madappally (kitchen) of the Srirangam temple.
While the rest of the world is debating the merits of the idea, someone tags the president, who replies via Truth Social that no one could eat puliyodharai like him. Obama, although he was almost born in Kenya, can't eat spicy food. Nor can the crooked Hillary Clinton.
The second lady makes some puliyodharai using the MTR food mix for the president to taste. Marco Rubio and Karoline Leavitte try to outdo each other in inventing superlatives in praising the dish, and describing how she could be nominated for the Nobel prize for cooking. CNN and Fox news spend a few days debating if there is such a thing as the Nobel Prize for cooking.
The day arrives. Shankar sets up a huge set in front of Srirangam Rajagopuram. The prime minister of India arrives, hugs the president and wishes him well. He recommends that the president strike the Vrischikasana yoga pose as a way to prepare for the challenge. The suggestion is politely declined.
Kamal Hassan and Udhayanidhi Stalin manage to get invited to be in the front rows. When the president hears the latter’s name, his eyes widen in admiration. He shakes Udhay-na’s hand, compliments him on his youthful looks, and asks how he managed to immigrate to India. He gets quickly whisked away. Luckily for Shankar, this happens before the live show begins. Kamal describes to anyone in the earshot, one at a time, how he isn’t jealous that his younger brother got all the attention.
The time arrives the live feed starts. The president is dressed in an attire that would have put Justin Treaudu to shame. The camera pans the crowd, catches the faces, pans through the crows sitting on the wire with an anxious expression and then finally settles on Trump.
Then everything goes wrong. The president eats the puliyodharai, gets all teary and starts coughing. Pete Hegseth wags his fingers at his hosts. He points out how the open packet seems to contain an unusual number of chilli peppers. He accuses Iyengars of trying to assassinate the president. Fortunately, someone with a better presence of mind snatches a can of coke from a teenager and helps the president get the fiery food down his throat.
To be Continued
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