It’s the week before coronation. The setting is a private club frequented by the conservatives in London, England. Rishi Sunak is pacing the room. Suella Braverman enters the room and tries to close the door.
Rishi: ‘No! Please leave the door open. I’m expecting a few more people. Besides, I don’t want the rest of the members to think we’re discussing something confidential.’
Suella: ‘Aren’t we?’
Rishi: ‘We are, but I don’t want that known. Oh , Hi Boris!’
Boris Johnson (looking around): 'This room doesn’t have any drinks! Why am I here then?’
Rishi: ‘You’re here to help me avert a diplomatic incident. I’ve ordered some cocktails. Sit down please!’
Boris, sitting down reluctantly: ‘Are you going to tell us what this is about?’
Rishi: ‘I don’t know where to begin. It’s the Indians’.
Suella: ‘I knew it would be one of those colonies. What are they up to now?’
Rishi: ‘They propose to give his majesty a picture in a gold plated frame as a coronation present. Windsor wants our advice as to how to react.’
Suella: ‘I knew it! It’s a vicious rumour that we plundered all their wealth. We couldn’t have plundered all the gold if they can still make gold plated frames. The whole outrage over the colonial era is overblown!’
Rishi: (with some severity): ‘Can you please not distract us? Where was I? Yeah, the picture. The picture is of Mr. Modi posing with his own statue.’
Boris: ‘So, it's a picture of my friend Modi and his statue? I wish I’d thought of the idea myself, but why is it a problem?’
Rishi: ‘Not a huge problem, but if we accept it, it sets a precedent. Many rulers, including a few dictators, will want to give gifts of their own portraits. It will be rude to decline, or not display it somewhere.’
Boris: 'Yeah, I know what you mean, Trump wanted to install a 60-feet statue of himself in Central London. We were at a loss on how to politely decline.'
Rishi: 'That’s interesting. What did you do?'
Boris: ‘Nothing. The matter sorted itself out. Thank God for those inflatable Trump Baby balloons. Someone convinced him that those were dry runs for finding an appropriate place for his new statue. By the time he figured it out, his state visit was over.’
The waiter brings a tray of cocktails.
Boris: ‘Hey there! What’s your mom’s name?’
The waiter, looking puzzled: ‘Ann’. He leaves.
Suella and Rishi look at each other.
Suella, whispering to Rishi: ‘He says odd things sometimes!’.
Rishi (whispering):’Like every time he opens his mouth?’
Boris: ‘I should have asked how she spells her name. I used to know a woman named Anna.’
Rishi: ‘Fascinating! But how does that matter?’
Boris: ‘Didn’t you notice that he looked a bit like me? That hair!’
Rishi frowns, and is about to say something, but is interrupted by footsteps. A steward comes in and announces that the Minister of External Affairs of India wishes to join them. Rishi thanks him and nods.
Boris (suddenly interested): ‘External Affairs? That sounds interesting!’
S Jaishankar is escorted into the room by a steward. He greets all the occupants, and takes a seat, looking expectantly at Rishi. Rishi is quiet for a while. Finally, he gets on his feet.
Rishi: ‘Minister, thanks for joining us. I want to discuss the communication I received from your office. I understand that your government intends to give his majesty a coronation present?’
S Jaishankar: (brightly): ‘Yes, of course!’
Rishi: ‘This is somewhat sensitive. I hope you don’t misunderstand this. I’ve been told to convey to you that the present may be considered by some to be inappropriate. We want to talk to you and handle this discreetly.’
SJ: ‘What did you hear about the present?’
Rishi: ‘Ahem, I heard that it’s a picture of Mr. Modi with a statue of Mr. Modi.’
SJ: ‘No wonder you are not impressed. Let me give you the full story.. It is a picture of Modiji standing in front of a golden statue of himself. You should see the size of the statue!’
Rishi: ‘I’m sure you picked the picture from a set of alternatives.’
SJ: ‘Yes. For example, there is one where he does yoga in front of his statue. And another where he holds a picture of himself in front of his statue. Any of these could’ve been used.’
Rishi (looking dubious): ‘I don’t see how…”
SJ: 'Now I see how this works. A picture of the democratically elected leader from a colony is not good enough for the U.K? I’m sure the Western media put you up to it. Haven’t you realized that the days of Western imperialism are over? If you want my opinion…'
Suella (Talking over SJ): 'Imperialism was just a benign…'
Boris (Talking over Suella): 'This is a disaster! We’re out of whiskey.'
SJ: 'We have a statue of Robert Clive in our government complex in Kolkata. How would you feel if we removed it?'
Suella: 'Robert Clive is a much misunderstood figure. He was kind and …'
Rishi: (Raising his voice): 'Mr. Jaishankar, sorry about the interruptions. Not that it's relevant to the issue at hand, but we've been removing Robert Clive’s statues here. Coming back to Mr. Modi's statue, do you know who the artist is?'
SJ: 'I don’t recall his name. It’s the same dude who did Modiji’s statue in Surat.'
Rishi: 'Do you have a picture of the gift, by any chance?'
SJ: 'Of course! I have a few pictures here.' (Shows his phone).
Rishi leans over, and swipes the phone a few times, pauses for a while, and grins. ‘No problem. I don’t see any issues with these. Windsor was worrying about nothing.’
After some polite chit-chat, Jaishankar takes his leave.
Johnson is momentarily distracted from his worries about lack of whiskey. ‘What happened there, Rishi?’
Rishi: 'The sculptor from Surat is our key. He is the same bloke who made the Modi-Shah hybrid statue. No one is going to recognize the statue as that of Mr. Modi.'
Suella: 'But they will surely recognize Mr. Modi, the person from the photograph?'
Rishi: 'We can handle that. Have you heard of the Beard Liberation Front?'
Suella: 'Yes, what about them?'
Rishi: 'They’ve been nagging us to have better representation for bearded people in the galleries. We can make this ostensibly about that. I’ll tell the spinmasters. They can take care of it. None of the dictators that I’m worried about has a beard, so this is hopefully not a precedent that they can use.'
Johnson: 'Too bad there isn’t a Wild Hair Liberation Front!’.
The waiter arrives with the drinks. Tranquility prevails. Tranquility, if you ignore the sounds of Boris slurping his drink. End of scene.
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